Today Lucy would have been six months old. We’ve had a lot to think about lately with the surgery and the new baby, but we’re still missing Lucy as much as ever. She’s been gone four months now, but I think it’s harder than ever. I still can’t think of her for more than a minute without crying, and I think of her throughout the day. It’s awkward in public, but it’s hard for me to choke back the tears sometimes. I think about what our lives would have been like now, but it’s almost too painful to bear.
I have a new niece, Hallie, who is 2 weeks old now. I love her dearly, but it’s emotional for me to hold her, knowing she should have grown up with her cousin Lucy. She’s such a joy, but she reminds me of all we’ve lost.
It’s hard to know how to deal with this kind of loss. We’ve been going to a meeting once a month for bereaved parents, and we’re going to see a counselor starting next week. I thought it would just slowly become more bearable, but it really hasn’t. When I think about the magnitude of a life without our little girl, it feels too overwhelming to deal with, and I just want to scream with anger and pain.
We haven’t moved any of Lucy’s things in the nursery. Partially that’s because we’ve been so nervous about this new baby that we didn’t want to make any changes until we were more confident. Partially it’s because I just can’t move her stuff. I have no idea what I’m going to do with it, because I don’t really feel ready to put it away, but the new baby will probably need a changing table. I just can’t worry about that yet. Maybe in 5 months.
Before Lucy was born, I felt like I had a pretty good idea about what kind of mother I’d be. It wasn’t super idealistic or anything – I knew I was going to make mistakes and that I probably wouldn’t live up to all of my ambitions – but I felt like I’d be a pretty good mom overall. It’s something I’ve thought about since I was a kid. Now, though, I feel a lot less sure. I still plan on being the best mom I can be, but I don’t feel as confident. I worry that too much of my attention will be spent on Lucy, and that my living children will come to resent her or me. I don’t want to live in the past, and I want my kids to know that they’ll always be my first priority. But the way I am now, I have visions of a bemused toddler staring at a mommy who’s crying and staring off into space. I don’t want it to be like that.
It’s amazing, though, how your life can change in 6 months. In the last six months, we had a baby, bought a house, made tons of new friends, lost our baby, got pregnant again, and had surgery. Who knows what will happen in the next half year. Hopefully it will bring some healing, some peace of mind, and a new joy to our lives.
This is the picture of Lucy I have on my phone at the moment. I love the look on her face, and the flared nostrils. I love that you can just barely see the blue around the edges of her eyes and her long eyelashes and her soft hair. I really love all my pictures of her, but this is the one I’m looking at now.
I miss you Lucy. Happy 6 months, sweetie. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you could ever know, and our lives will never be completely whole without you.