7 months

Just a quickie today. Today Lucy would have been 7 months old. I wonder if I’ll ever stop counting the months. I guess I probably will – I stopped counting the weeks, and at first I thought every Monday and Wednesday would be especially hard. Today I read about a baby who died, and as I was crying, about halfway through his story, I realized that he was in the same NICU as Lucy for a few days while she was there. I want to send his parents a message and tell them that we have this in common, but I don’t know if it will help or not.

I’ve been struggling a lot with guilt lately. I think it’s because I realized something recently. We had a lot of really good reasons for not spending more time than we did at the hospital with Lucy, and they are still valid reasons. We had to sleep, and eat, if for no other reason than that I had to keep making milk. That was important. But I realized that I would have found a way to be there a lot more if I hadn’t, at some point, started to take for granted that Lucy would be coming home with us. I really thought we’d have forever to show her how much we loved her. It seems like an unlikely failing for me, because I’m constantly trying to remind myself not to take things for granted. And of all things, how could I take her for granted? I’m so mad at myself that I had to relearn that lesson with something so important. I don’t know how I would have done it, but I wish I’d spent every minute possible with her. Now it seems like so much wasted time.

Anyway, what are we doing 7 months after our Lucy Anne was born? Today we’re driving to Bakersfield to spend the night visiting with friends at the Ronald McDonald House. Our good friends Autumn and Aaron are coming to meet us with their sweet little boy Talen. We haven’t seen them in a couple months, so that’s fun. Tomorrow morning I have a check-up with my OB. I’m not as nervous this time as I was last time, because by now the baby is very squirmy (it woke me up with a kick last night), and we heard its little heart beating strong with the home doppler last night.

I can’t believe it was only 7 months ago that Lucy was born, and I’m almost halfway through this pregnancy. Crazy how things change. It goes without saying that every day is a struggle – with guilt, anger, fear, and mostly sadness. I wish I could think about my little girl and just be happy, but every time I think about her I remember everything we’ve lost. I hope eventually that will change. Until then, we’re just sort of getting through. Apparently there are some people who think it’s somehow less of a loss if you lose a baby, but I don’t know how anyone could think that. I’ve never lost an older child (God forbid), or even anyone else very close to me, but losing Lucy hurts in a way I never knew was possible, and I really don’t think it will ever stop.

Still, I don’t want to sound like life is all bad. It really isn’t. Feeling this baby move makes me really happy (it’s dancing to the music I’m listening to right now – it often starts kicking when I listen to music). David and my family and the autumn all make me happy. On Halloween David and I will have been together 11 years, and that makes me happy. I just feel like part of our happiness is missing, and our Lucy Anne should be here with us now.